Getting a little R&R is an important rule in the Geek’s Guide to Living. When it comes to 21st century relaxation, there are plenty of websites that sell “high end” (aka high priced) tech and tell you “The Future is Now!” Do not believe them.
1. Robot Massage Pod
Massage technology doesn’t work. I’ve spent hours in my crappy massage chair, and I think it actually adds knots to my back.
Massage chairs suck. Handheld massage devices suck. Massage backpacks suck. And I’m sure this thing that looks like a tanning bed but is really supposed to be a robotic masseuse sucks, too.
And don’t think because Dainichi markets the Auto Healther Reiz DZ-270 as a robot that I’m buying it. I like robots, but come on. Does it light the candles and play the New Age pan flute music too? I think not. Happy ending? Nope. You’d mess up the circuitry… FYI: $13,500 price tag.
Pass.
It gets even worse after the break…
2. Chinese Guy’s Massage Chair
Good Lord.
78-year-old Lin Shuseng spent 8 years building this “robo-massage chair” out of scrap metal in order to soothe his wife’s aching joints. In what universe could someone relax in this thing? It looks like a torture device for steampunk nerds.
At least it was a sweet anniversary gift and he’s not trying to pass this rusty robot creature onto us.
3. Human Washing Machine
Claustrophobic? Hope not. Then how would you be shampooed, showered, steamed, aromatherapied, and lotioned by this piece of crap?
Hey everybody! It’s the Santelubain 999! And you only need one technician on hand to operate it!
Jesus. Is it that hard to frakkin’ stand?
4. The Hydroglass
Perhaps the shittiest thing EVER. If you’re a greedy rich douchebag who not only needs to shower lying down, but also needs to mock goldfish while doing it, then this future-of-suck shower table is for you.
There’s seven shower heads fixed to the top of this monstrosity and a hand-held head for Smithers, Alfred, or whatever you call your servant so he can share looks of hatred with the aquatic life forms while scrubbing your ass.
Oh dear, that stuff all looks like the combined suck power of a black hole.
Tell me about it dude. Total lame sauce.
Where the hell do they get the ideas for these monstrosities?
SERIOUSLY@!?
Dude, saw the show for the 1st time; total awsomesauce.
But this crap? Who in their right mind would have such a low supply of dignity as to first inflict it upon humanity then actually take credit for it?
I actually tried the human washing machine, it is great. Thought you’re right about the clostrophobic part, I kinda got uncomfortable using this machine once and started to freak saying “I’m Done I’m Done I’m done” over and over, but they would not let me out until I was finished!